I will consider 3 of the following, that you either are reading these entries because you are genuinely interested, you're a hater or you randomly stubbled across my site. What ever the case may be, it really doesn't matter, you are here because you should be. ALL are welcome in my eyes. How else can we get to know one another?
So I extend my sincere thanks for taking time to read these upcoming post that essentially will create a memoir (MEM WAR) of my life thus far. I want categorize these entries not as some typical millennial "blog" but as way to paint the clearest most transparent picture of myself for others to observe.
In order for me to finally start to organize my thoughts has taken me years upon years of trial and error in order to reach this level of focus and execution that I have longed for. Yet, I am always working for change.
I value honesty, integrity, accountability, courage and have always have been a sensitive person.. If I was to break my life into 1/3s, here is the watered down version of my previous lives till this point.
I've realized over the years that most the time people have mistaken my sensitivity, timidness or generosity for weakness, which in many cases I'd felt left feeling taken advantage of as a result acting on my emotions. I've learned over the years to thicken my skin but not my heart. To listen to instinct and process with logic. I'm far from perfect but see nothing wrong with constantly sharing pain, change, growth and the ability to reframe life daily in the way I see fit.
Part One: (Ages 0-18)
The first part of my life i spent figuring out my voice. Having been dealt the disability to physically speak from a very young age was a difficult welcome to life lol. It aggravated me from early on. Call it a stutter, speech impediment, water boy whatever the fuq but that shit was a constant rip at my confidence and self-esteem during my formative years, which eventually led me to a kind of isolation within myself.
In order to deal with such encounters I had to learn to stand my ground from an early age, which eventually turned into multiple trips to the principles office from constantly fighting my way through the situations, refusing to feel like shit cause of someone being a dick.
And still to still day I struggle with such impediment but have found multiple coping mechanisms in order to cap these old habits. But every to this day things can still get funny. Then around 13 I found the blessing of writing music. It allowed two things: I could convey a message without really a one on one engagement which in turn alleviated that stress. I then realized that when I would sing my impediment would temporarily disappear. I still don't understand why but I've learned that people will either operate through compassion or insensitivty.
Part Two: (Ages 18-30)
I would bunch this part into the loss and re-discovery of self.
After spending 14 months at a Behavior Modification Program in Ensenada, Mexico from ages 16-17+ I had been completely cut down once again and put on a path I never expected. Although I felt dead inside, I persevered like the cycle of life does and eventually regenerated to a stronger more advanced self than i could even process at the time. (2004-2005)
Shortly after "graduating" from the school/program raided and closed down my Mexican Authorities for abuse, poor living conditions.. Once again in hindsight the terrible experience actually has transcended into making some of the most sense to me today.
Only about a year and a half later I was to meet the mother of my children Sarah. We immediately fell in love and never looked back, discovering ourselves and growing together. All the while having 4 kids and pursuing all our dreams almost all at once.
Well after 11 years and 1 month of separation ( living in separate households), now going on 13 years things have shifted again. The growing together began to suffocate one another like being trapped in the lower deck of the titanic, which I think most people know the ending.... The toxicity and co-dependancy in the relationship was blinding until the bandaid was ripped off. It honestly feels worst than a kidney stone and very comparable losing someone to unexpected death.
Part Three (Ages 31-Present)
Today I finally took the step to close the previous chapter. The symbolism today is sacred but the Universe has made it clear that its time to move onward and upward. Now everything has changed.
So here I am. 31 years of age about to be 32 and I finally understand the concept of accepting life. Instead of fight, flow. Instead of darkness, glow.
-Life As It Is-